Wednesday, December 08, 2010

FAMILY

So I just shared with my family that I wouldn't be hosting Christmas. <sigh>  While no one confronted me in anger, it was there.  They are upset and frustrated with me because I'm going to my in-laws for Christmas.  I tried to explain that if we didn't go Christmas weekend we wouldn't get to celebrate with them until the end of January.  I don't think that matters to them. 

I have been physically ill today.  Like that nauseous--I'm gonna throw up ill.  Not because I'm really sick.  But because I knew I had to tell my family today that I wasn't hosting Christmas.  Remember that "people are exhausting" post.  Yeah..this is what I'm talking about.  I want and feel that my immediate family should spend Christmas with my in-laws, but doing that causes pain to my extended family.  So I've been warring with myself about when and how to tell my family.  I really wanted to just call the whole thing off and have Christmas with my family and meet up with my in-laws at the end of January.  My in-laws really didn't care.  It was OK with them to wait until the end of January.  But it felt wrong. 

My family lives closer--so we can get together with them pretty much anytime.  My in-laws live almost 3 hours away and my brother & sister-in-law just had a new baby.  The baby would have been almost 2 months old before we'd get to see her if we waited.  I didn't want to wait.  My husband didn't want to wait.  The only reason to wait, was so my family didn't get their feelings hurt.  So I swallowed the bile and bit the bullet and told them.

And now...they're probably mad at me.  And will be.  And while they won't overtly show their anger--it will be shown in a thousand little barbs for the rest of my life.

Lord, help me to be compassionate.  Help me to forgive and not be bitter.  Help me to love my children and never, ever make them feel like this. 

I'm sad. 

Monday, December 06, 2010

WEEKEND

There is just something about the weekend.  2 days of no school.  I love my boys dearly (and my daughter too, but she's in public school now) and for the most part I do enjoy homeschooling.  But some days...  Some days I just itch and chafe at the thought of learning one more thing about mountains--or the human body--or diagramming sentences!  In my head there is a little rebellious voice that says--"we did this already!  do we really have to relearn everything??"  Especially when I think of all the other things I could be doing instead--like reading a novel (oh how I miss quiet reading time!), or listening to sermons online, or just sitting quietly and watching the snow fall.  I remind myself over and over that those moments will all come sooner than I imagine.   In just a few years my kids will be grown and in college (my youngest will turn 12 in January!) and I will have all the free time I can handle.

So now, I look forward to the weekend just like my kids do!  A break from school--time to do whatever we want.  To enjoy a good book, catch up on laundry, or just veg out in front of the tube!  I love me a good weekend!

Friday, December 03, 2010

EXHAUSTING

Just being real--people exhaust me.  Seriously.  Jesus second greatest commandment "Love your neighbor as you love yourself" is WAY difficult for me.  I find myself more often than not frustrated with my neighbor.  There are a handful of people who I find it relatively easy to love, but the rest--exhausting.  Part of my problem I've deduced is that I don't know how to be honest about how I feel about things.  I'm not proud of this.  I'm not even sure where I got the notion in my head that I have to be nice at all costs.  My mom definitely taught me manners and to be kind to others, but my notion goes further than that.  The notion in my head says that if how I feel or what I want will cause another person pain, then I should probably give up what I feel or want for the other person.

In some instances, this is a good thing.  Like when it comes to meeting the needs of my kids before buying the latest kitchen gadget.  Or when I'm really frustrated with my husband and I really want to lay into him, but realize that it really wouldn't be helpful to hurt him with my words just so I can "feel" better in that moment.   But at other times, it doesn't serve me well.  Like when a friend continues to hurt my feelings with a consistent behavior.  I find myself instead of confronting, withdrawing and choosing not to have that friend anymore. 

Thus, I get exhausted by people.  My fantasies in life include me, all by myself, and a beautiful landscape in front of me.  Quiet.  No one asking me for anything.  No one expecting something from me.  Me not letting anyone down or warring within myself of how should I act or behave.  Just peace. 

I don't find this the fault of other people.  It's not wrong of others to have needs and to ask me to help meet those needs.  I see this as a fault of mine.  A flaw in my character.  That ugly selfishness who just wants what she wants and now.  I'm supposed to love, not be frustrated.  Jesus saw the multitudes and had compassion on them the scriptures say.  Yeah, I know He is God--but still I'm supposed to strive to become like Christ.

My prayer today is that I find some decent boundaries.  I learn how to speak up for myself and what I need, but at the same time I love and have compassion for others. Gotta find some sort of balance.