Wednesday, December 07, 2011

When things are hard....

I pray hard.  It's true.  I pray all the time in all kinds of situations.  I'm sure if God gave me a nickname it would probably be Magpie.  I never shutup.  Really I don't.  All day long I'm like some 2 year old saying "look at me daddy!  See what I can do!" or I'm crying and telling him what booboo I have for the day.  I'm not saying this is a bad thing--that's just my prayer life. 

But when things are hard, I listen better.  When things are good I just cruise along.  When things are bad I curl up in a ball every night and cry and ask Him what do I do now? 

Last night I just kept saying over and over--give me wisdom, give me strength.  Help me bend my will to Yours.  Me on my own?  I'm nothing.  I would definitely screw it up. Turning to Him?  Well, there are no guarantees b/c I am human and make mistakes--but I definitely slide things in favor of going better.

Is that why things are hard?  So I'll listen better?  Oh please Lord, help me get better at always listening...

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Running Theme

There has been a running theme in my life the last year or so.  People who hurt me and aren't sorry.  And a few of these people I am required to continue relationship with...I can't just walk away.  And ALL of these people say they love God (except one is confused on that front right now)---so they are my brother/sister in Christ.  In general, I can honestly forgive and move on with someone who is genuinely sorry.  Someone who shows me that they truly understand the hurt they caused and then they genuinely work VERY hard at changing their behavior.  Those people I respect, admire, and feel good about mending the relationship.

But people who aren't sorry?  Honestly?  I don't know how to deal with it.  How do you move forward?  How can it become "ok"?  How do you forgive?  How do you still give of yourself and love others when you are tired of being hurt?

A few years ago I would have said, "You have to trust God.  Pray, He will help you get over it."  And I still believe that.  But it is not as simple as it sounds.  Nor is it a one time shot.  This is where that daily walking with God thing comes into play. And even when I know that in my head, the daily living it out is honestly exhausting to me.  I think I'm missing something in the equation?  Is there more to it that I've failed to understand?  Or is this deep heart hurt just a part of the human existance?  A result/consequence of sin--our own and the fallout of the sin of others?

God my heart is hurt and it is hard to put one foot in front of the other.  I feel tired and wore down. I feel defeated in some ways.  I don't want to feel this way.  I know others have it much rougher than I have and I am grateful for all that You give and You have provided.  I just don't know how to get over the feelings that I have.  Show me.