AN AFGHAN

I love God.  He is so cool how He works.  Yet at the same time, I am human and get frustrated at how He works.  But today--He showed me something cool.

I am attempting to crochet an afghan.  I learned how to crochet from my mom when I was young and haven't even attempted anything in probably 15+ years.  For whatever reason, I got a whim during the month of December to take the hobby up again.  I have crocheted 3 scarves and really enjoyed the process (and they are pretty!!).  My daughter told me I should choose something besides scarves to do.  So I was looking around and found a pattern to crochet an afghan.  It was marked "easy" and I thought--hey I made 3 scarves, this shouldn't be too difficult--I just have to follow the directions.

Have I mentioned here how I tend to lean toward the perfectionistic side?  How I like things to go the way they are supposed to?  So I'm crocheting away, feeling smug as I follow the directions and watch the yarn turn into something pretty.  BTW, this afghan has 9 rows--each row is a different pattern of stitches.  So I am going along and hit row 5 when I realize I'm not quite understanding what the directions are saying--b/c things are not coming out quite right.  I rip out a few stitches and try again--still it doesn't seem right.  So I ask my husband to take a look and see what he thinks.  He gives me a different viewpoint and wa-la!  it goes much better.  But as I look at it, I realize that it still doesn't look quite right.  When I stop and look at the whole thing, I realize I had  made a mistake (just a teensy one) a few rows back.  That's why it doesn't look quite right.  Now, my husband looks at it and says he doesn't notice.  My kids don't notice--no one is probably ever going to notice.  But  I notice.  And while I continue on--I know it's there.  That mistake is there and will effect every single row until the end of the afghan.  It bothers me.  It makes me want to quit.  I want to rip out everything I've done and start over.  Then I made another mistake a few rows later.  Again, it's not a big one that everyone will notice.  But I realized, even if I did rip out back to my original mistake--I would probably make another.  Am I gonna rip it out everytime until it is perfect? 

God whispered to my heart that the afghan is like my life.  My life is made one moment in time just as the afghan is made one stitch at a time.  I must take my life one moment at a time--I can't get ahead of myself.  My hands are full with this moment now.  Just like in the afghan--knowing what the next stitch is or concentrating on the next stitches instead of the stitch right in front of me will cause me to make mistakes or rush ahead!   I can't unravel my life and fix my mistakes--and those mistakes do influence the rest of my life--no matter how small.  But if I concentrate on my mistakes I will miss out on the beauty of my entire life.  I will miss the joy of each moment (each stitch!). 

Thanks God for each stitch of my life.  Help me to follow closely to you and when I don't and I trip and fall flat on my face--thank you for the grace of forgiveness.  Help me to learn how to forgive myself for my mistakes and also to forgive others for their mistakes.

FAMILY

So I just shared with my family that I wouldn't be hosting Christmas. <sigh>  While no one confronted me in anger, it was there.  They are upset and frustrated with me because I'm going to my in-laws for Christmas.  I tried to explain that if we didn't go Christmas weekend we wouldn't get to celebrate with them until the end of January.  I don't think that matters to them. 

I have been physically ill today.  Like that nauseous--I'm gonna throw up ill.  Not because I'm really sick.  But because I knew I had to tell my family today that I wasn't hosting Christmas.  Remember that "people are exhausting" post.  Yeah..this is what I'm talking about.  I want and feel that my immediate family should spend Christmas with my in-laws, but doing that causes pain to my extended family.  So I've been warring with myself about when and how to tell my family.  I really wanted to just call the whole thing off and have Christmas with my family and meet up with my in-laws at the end of January.  My in-laws really didn't care.  It was OK with them to wait until the end of January.  But it felt wrong. 

My family lives closer--so we can get together with them pretty much anytime.  My in-laws live almost 3 hours away and my brother & sister-in-law just had a new baby.  The baby would have been almost 2 months old before we'd get to see her if we waited.  I didn't want to wait.  My husband didn't want to wait.  The only reason to wait, was so my family didn't get their feelings hurt.  So I swallowed the bile and bit the bullet and told them.

And now...they're probably mad at me.  And will be.  And while they won't overtly show their anger--it will be shown in a thousand little barbs for the rest of my life.

Lord, help me to be compassionate.  Help me to forgive and not be bitter.  Help me to love my children and never, ever make them feel like this. 

I'm sad. 

WEEKEND

There is just something about the weekend.  2 days of no school.  I love my boys dearly (and my daughter too, but she's in public school now) and for the most part I do enjoy homeschooling.  But some days...  Some days I just itch and chafe at the thought of learning one more thing about mountains--or the human body--or diagramming sentences!  In my head there is a little rebellious voice that says--"we did this already!  do we really have to relearn everything??"  Especially when I think of all the other things I could be doing instead--like reading a novel (oh how I miss quiet reading time!), or listening to sermons online, or just sitting quietly and watching the snow fall.  I remind myself over and over that those moments will all come sooner than I imagine.   In just a few years my kids will be grown and in college (my youngest will turn 12 in January!) and I will have all the free time I can handle.

So now, I look forward to the weekend just like my kids do!  A break from school--time to do whatever we want.  To enjoy a good book, catch up on laundry, or just veg out in front of the tube!  I love me a good weekend!