I HURT
I have that all over kind of hurt going on. Not physical--emotional/mental. But it feels physical. That's why I haven't been writing. I don't even know how to express myself really. I can't even really give you specific reasons why I hurt. I just do. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of picking myself up and forcing myself to keep moving forward. I'm tired of dealing with everything that keeps coming my way. I'm tired of realizing that I honestly don't have a clue to many of the things that I am facing -- I don't have the answers. And if I'm being really honest, I'm tired of asking God and not receiving an answer. In some ways I feel like a 2 year old who decides to sit down and is not getting up--I want to shake my fist at God and stomp my feet and say "I'm not moving one more step until you explain to me what is going on." I'm tired of faking it. I'm tired of putting on a plastic smile and murmuring the right words. That's what I'm thinking. Not pretty I know, but it's real.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
BEST FRIENDS
I have this group of friends. We came together about 5 years ago. There are 5 couples. We are all as different as night and day. It's amazing that we are so close and we love each other so well. We all do life differently, raise our families differently, have different theologies and ideas. But at our heart--we all love Jesus. Desperately, with abandon, we are deeply in love with Jesus.
God brought this grouping of people to my life 5 years ago when I was going through a really hard time. They were a balm on my soul and continue to be. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without these people now. They have become so entangled in my life and I love it that way. Each time I'm with them, I reveal a little more of myself and they reveal a little more of themselves. Each time we're together I fall a little bit deeper in love with them. Each time I'm with them, I realize a little bit more what a unique gift God has given me.
Last night we spent the entire night eating random snack foods and going around the table sharing the struggles we're going through. Praising God for the things He has carried us through. Encouraging one another that "you're not crazy!" and whole lot of teasing each other. We had lots of belly laughs--the kind where your eyes close real tight and it's hard to breathe and your whole body shakes.
As I think back on last night--it was a taste of home, of heaven. Being with my best friends made my problems seem a little smaller, less bleak. It made me realize that I have worth. A lot of healing went on last night, where we poured into each other and allowed ourselves to be poured into. It felt like Jesus.
I love you, my best friends. Thanks for being Jesus to me.
I have this group of friends. We came together about 5 years ago. There are 5 couples. We are all as different as night and day. It's amazing that we are so close and we love each other so well. We all do life differently, raise our families differently, have different theologies and ideas. But at our heart--we all love Jesus. Desperately, with abandon, we are deeply in love with Jesus.
God brought this grouping of people to my life 5 years ago when I was going through a really hard time. They were a balm on my soul and continue to be. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without these people now. They have become so entangled in my life and I love it that way. Each time I'm with them, I reveal a little more of myself and they reveal a little more of themselves. Each time we're together I fall a little bit deeper in love with them. Each time I'm with them, I realize a little bit more what a unique gift God has given me.
Last night we spent the entire night eating random snack foods and going around the table sharing the struggles we're going through. Praising God for the things He has carried us through. Encouraging one another that "you're not crazy!" and whole lot of teasing each other. We had lots of belly laughs--the kind where your eyes close real tight and it's hard to breathe and your whole body shakes.
As I think back on last night--it was a taste of home, of heaven. Being with my best friends made my problems seem a little smaller, less bleak. It made me realize that I have worth. A lot of healing went on last night, where we poured into each other and allowed ourselves to be poured into. It felt like Jesus.
I love you, my best friends. Thanks for being Jesus to me.
Friday, January 14, 2011
THIS IS THE STUFF YOU USE
Just heard the song This is the Stuff You Use by Francesca Battistelli. Going through a rough time right now with a pretty important relationship to our immediate family. For the past several weeks I have been struggling through anger, frustration, irritation, forgiveness, letting go--in short, being the person God wants me to be instead of the fleshly person that kept crying out to be let loose.
I was shocked at the level of anger I felt. I was surprised at the unkind and hurtful thoughts that came so easily to mind and the willingness of myself to at least allow my mind to unleash fury on this person and revel in their pain. It was sin. Dirty, ugly, "I have a right to feel this way", sin.
Thank God, the Spirit was able to speak through all that anger and hurt and continue to whisper--this is not who you were made to be. I SO didn't want to listen to that voice. Thank God again that I had a husband and good friends I was able to share my struggle with--that I was not winning the war in my own heart against Satan trying to creep in. They were able to enter into the battle with me and pray that God would have His way and not the flesh.
It is a moment by moment struggle sometimes. The situation with the relationship is not resolved--it's not all tied up in a pretty bow and fixed. It's messy. I know things now, that I didn't know and that changes things. I have to relearn how to trust (or if to trust!) the person.
But the song this morning--This is the Stuff You Use--reminded me that God used this situation to remind me that Satan is always there(sin is crouching at your door)--waiting for the opportunity to come in and wreak havoc in my heart. But God is SO much bigger and when we cry out to Him, He hears, He answers, He loves, He teaches, He renews this fleshly heart of mine and turns it again towards Him.
Thank you so much Father. And even though I know saying this will cause me pain--Use whatever You need to, to keep me close to You. Thank you for loving me and for showing me the ugly that is still in me. Thank you for holding my hand through this pain. Thank you for making me a little more like your Son today.
I love you.
Just heard the song This is the Stuff You Use by Francesca Battistelli. Going through a rough time right now with a pretty important relationship to our immediate family. For the past several weeks I have been struggling through anger, frustration, irritation, forgiveness, letting go--in short, being the person God wants me to be instead of the fleshly person that kept crying out to be let loose.
I was shocked at the level of anger I felt. I was surprised at the unkind and hurtful thoughts that came so easily to mind and the willingness of myself to at least allow my mind to unleash fury on this person and revel in their pain. It was sin. Dirty, ugly, "I have a right to feel this way", sin.
Thank God, the Spirit was able to speak through all that anger and hurt and continue to whisper--this is not who you were made to be. I SO didn't want to listen to that voice. Thank God again that I had a husband and good friends I was able to share my struggle with--that I was not winning the war in my own heart against Satan trying to creep in. They were able to enter into the battle with me and pray that God would have His way and not the flesh.
It is a moment by moment struggle sometimes. The situation with the relationship is not resolved--it's not all tied up in a pretty bow and fixed. It's messy. I know things now, that I didn't know and that changes things. I have to relearn how to trust (or if to trust!) the person.
But the song this morning--This is the Stuff You Use--reminded me that God used this situation to remind me that Satan is always there(sin is crouching at your door)--waiting for the opportunity to come in and wreak havoc in my heart. But God is SO much bigger and when we cry out to Him, He hears, He answers, He loves, He teaches, He renews this fleshly heart of mine and turns it again towards Him.
Thank you so much Father. And even though I know saying this will cause me pain--Use whatever You need to, to keep me close to You. Thank you for loving me and for showing me the ugly that is still in me. Thank you for holding my hand through this pain. Thank you for making me a little more like your Son today.
I love you.
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