Friday, January 14, 2011


Just heard the song This is the Stuff You Use by Francesca Battistelli.  Going through a rough time right now with a pretty important relationship to our immediate family.  For the past several weeks I have been struggling through anger, frustration, irritation, forgiveness, letting go--in short, being the person God wants me to be instead of the fleshly person that kept crying out to be let loose. 

I was shocked at the level of anger I felt.  I was surprised at the unkind and hurtful thoughts that came so easily to mind and the willingness of myself to at least allow my mind to unleash fury on this person and revel in their pain.  It was sin.  Dirty, ugly, "I have a right to feel this way", sin. 

Thank God, the Spirit was able to speak through all that anger and hurt and continue to whisper--this is not who you were made to be.  I SO didn't want to listen to that voice.  Thank God again that I had a husband and good friends I was able to share my struggle with--that I was not winning the war in my own heart against Satan trying to creep in.   They were able to enter into the battle with me and pray that God would have His way and not the flesh.

It is a moment by moment struggle sometimes.  The situation with the relationship is not resolved--it's not all tied up in a pretty bow and fixed.  It's messy.  I know things now, that I didn't know and that changes things.  I have to relearn how to trust (or if to trust!) the person.

But the song this morning--This is the Stuff You Use--reminded me that God used this situation to remind me that Satan is always there(sin is crouching at your door)--waiting for the opportunity to come in and wreak havoc in my heart.  But God is SO much bigger and when we cry out to Him, He hears, He answers, He loves, He teaches, He renews this fleshly heart of mine and turns it again towards Him. 

Thank you so much Father.  And even though I know saying this will cause me pain--Use whatever You need to, to keep me close to You.  Thank you for loving me and for showing me the ugly that is still in me.  Thank you for holding my hand through this pain.  Thank you for making me a little more like your Son today.

I love you.

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