Friday, December 03, 2010

EXHAUSTING

Just being real--people exhaust me.  Seriously.  Jesus second greatest commandment "Love your neighbor as you love yourself" is WAY difficult for me.  I find myself more often than not frustrated with my neighbor.  There are a handful of people who I find it relatively easy to love, but the rest--exhausting.  Part of my problem I've deduced is that I don't know how to be honest about how I feel about things.  I'm not proud of this.  I'm not even sure where I got the notion in my head that I have to be nice at all costs.  My mom definitely taught me manners and to be kind to others, but my notion goes further than that.  The notion in my head says that if how I feel or what I want will cause another person pain, then I should probably give up what I feel or want for the other person.

In some instances, this is a good thing.  Like when it comes to meeting the needs of my kids before buying the latest kitchen gadget.  Or when I'm really frustrated with my husband and I really want to lay into him, but realize that it really wouldn't be helpful to hurt him with my words just so I can "feel" better in that moment.   But at other times, it doesn't serve me well.  Like when a friend continues to hurt my feelings with a consistent behavior.  I find myself instead of confronting, withdrawing and choosing not to have that friend anymore. 

Thus, I get exhausted by people.  My fantasies in life include me, all by myself, and a beautiful landscape in front of me.  Quiet.  No one asking me for anything.  No one expecting something from me.  Me not letting anyone down or warring within myself of how should I act or behave.  Just peace. 

I don't find this the fault of other people.  It's not wrong of others to have needs and to ask me to help meet those needs.  I see this as a fault of mine.  A flaw in my character.  That ugly selfishness who just wants what she wants and now.  I'm supposed to love, not be frustrated.  Jesus saw the multitudes and had compassion on them the scriptures say.  Yeah, I know He is God--but still I'm supposed to strive to become like Christ.

My prayer today is that I find some decent boundaries.  I learn how to speak up for myself and what I need, but at the same time I love and have compassion for others. Gotta find some sort of balance.

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