Wednesday, December 08, 2010

FAMILY

So I just shared with my family that I wouldn't be hosting Christmas. <sigh>  While no one confronted me in anger, it was there.  They are upset and frustrated with me because I'm going to my in-laws for Christmas.  I tried to explain that if we didn't go Christmas weekend we wouldn't get to celebrate with them until the end of January.  I don't think that matters to them. 

I have been physically ill today.  Like that nauseous--I'm gonna throw up ill.  Not because I'm really sick.  But because I knew I had to tell my family today that I wasn't hosting Christmas.  Remember that "people are exhausting" post.  Yeah..this is what I'm talking about.  I want and feel that my immediate family should spend Christmas with my in-laws, but doing that causes pain to my extended family.  So I've been warring with myself about when and how to tell my family.  I really wanted to just call the whole thing off and have Christmas with my family and meet up with my in-laws at the end of January.  My in-laws really didn't care.  It was OK with them to wait until the end of January.  But it felt wrong. 

My family lives closer--so we can get together with them pretty much anytime.  My in-laws live almost 3 hours away and my brother & sister-in-law just had a new baby.  The baby would have been almost 2 months old before we'd get to see her if we waited.  I didn't want to wait.  My husband didn't want to wait.  The only reason to wait, was so my family didn't get their feelings hurt.  So I swallowed the bile and bit the bullet and told them.

And now...they're probably mad at me.  And will be.  And while they won't overtly show their anger--it will be shown in a thousand little barbs for the rest of my life.

Lord, help me to be compassionate.  Help me to forgive and not be bitter.  Help me to love my children and never, ever make them feel like this. 

I'm sad. 

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