Tuesday, April 19, 2011

MOTHERHOOD

I'm a mom times 3.  Tomorrow will mark the day that I began learning one of the hardest lessons of being a mom---letting go.  Racheal turns 15 tomorrow.  15 years ago tomorrow, I learned that being a mom involves a lot of pain.  It is very scary.  And 90% of the time you don't know what you're doing (the other 10% --you think you know what you're doing, but you realize later you were wrong). 

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of me learning how to let go.  I'm a slow learner.  I still haven't learned how to let go.  "Don't forget your jacket, it will be cool today."  "Did you remember your homework?"  "Put on sunscreen."  "Make good choices."  I look at my beautiful daughter and my handsome sons and my heart swells and my chest constricts.  My eyes get leaky and my nose burns.  I love them so much.  I can't even put into words how much I love them.  And I am terrified for them, almost always.  The world is so big, so mean, so hard, and I want to just wrap them in my arms and keep them from all the hurt I know they are gonna feel.

But I can't.  Because being a mom means equipping them to deal with all that pain, all that evil.  I cannot shelter them, I can't keep them from all the bad.  Oh of course I could for awhile.  But one day they will leave the safety of my home, of my eyes, of my arms and if I don't do my job well--they won't be able to cope.

So I hold on to Jesus and pray that my love for Him and my dependence on Him shines through.  Because my Mama taught me about Jesus and that He is good, that He is loving, and while we will never understand Him fully--He can be trusted.  I'm teaching my children the same--Hold on to Jesus, because this world will chew you up and spit you out and He's the only stable thing there is to hold on to.

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